Trauma victims find comfort at Stillwater retreat

HEATHER WARLICK-MOORE

Published: June 4, 2009

STILLWATER — Just east of Stillwater at a wilderness retreat, 25 women gathered recently to focus on overcoming traumas. Most were recovering from lingering effects of sexual abuse or rape.

The women hailed from Oklahoma and various other states. Most did not know each other except from an online support group at www.DailyStrength.com. But within minutes of introductions at Saint’s Grove Camp, the women felt comfortable with each other.

"I can’t speak for everybody, but I just felt very safe and loved, and like we all were there to do some healing. And it was wonderful,” said Tracie Packham of Oklahoma City. She attended the retreat to work on problems she’s had with depression, drug use, emotional abuse and suicide attempts. "I know we were all a little nervous. But once we were all together for five or 10 minutes, it was like we’d known each other forever.”

Matthew Atkinson, a social worker, therapist and author of "Resurrection After Rape,” organized the event with his wife, April Atkinson, both of Oklahoma City. In 2005, he won the National Award for Excellence from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center for his work with sexual assault treatment and prevention.

"I wanted the retreat to be a celebration of healing and recovery from trauma, because these women have come to mean a lot to me in the year and a half I’ve known most of them. I saw that they were doing amazing work to heal from their experiences but had almost no way to connect with other survivors. At this retreat, we had women come from across the country ... to meet for the first time,” he said.

The retreat included art projects, such as designing painted T-shirts for the Clothesline Project, a nationwide project to address the issue of violence against women through creative displays of shirts designed as testimonials.

For many of the women, a highlight of the weekend was a sweat lodge cleansing ceremony.

"This is an intense purification prayer service practiced by Native Americans for renewal and healing, and the women said it was one of the most profound and healing experiences of their lives,” Atkinson said.

Bill Miller, a two-time Grammy-winning musician, was a retreat guest. Miller is a survivor of family violence and shared a moving testimony about his recovery from trauma, rage and depression.

"Bill was no celebrity this weekend; he talked, cried, hugged, prayed with and even joked with the women as one of the community — a member, not a visitor,” Atkinson said.

"I feel like the majority of us, we didn’t necessarily get answers to all of our problems, but we weren’t as ... stressed-out about our issues as we were when we arrived,” Packham said. "I felt like I could say anything to these people, and they wouldn’t look at me like I was crazy. It was a wonderful bonding experience.”

There also were some unofficial activities, Atkinson said. "The all-night talks, the endless jokes and pranks, the 1 a.m. broomstick-hockey tournaments. … I noticed that many of the women became like teenage girls at a slumber party again, which was very touching because I realized many of them had never been able to just be happy and silly with close friends when they were growing up.”

On the retreat’s final day, the women approached Atkinson as a group and asked that the retreat become an annual event. Atkinson is planning for next year’s retreat.

Q: How did spending a weekend with other survivors help the women?

A: Sexual trauma such as rape causes not only physical and emotional harm, but it also causes the victim to feel disconnected — alienated — from the rest of life. She feels alone, banished and unknowable afterward. But being with other women ... with similar stories lets these women feel free and comfortable; they connected with life again. They could claim the label of "survivor” with pride, having no fear of judgment or alienation.

They felt safe, and they were able to feel emotions they had blocked for years. Many of them hugged me, which was the first time they could meaningfully and comfortably hug a male. I saw women sitting in circles in the sunshine, laughing and even praying together, arms around one another, completely spontaneously. It transformed the meaning of being a survivor of trauma from something lonely and burdensome to something joyful and empowered.

Many of the women chose to attend despite discouraging skepticism from others back home and felt vindicated that, not only were they safe, but they were loved and supported all weekend long and finished the retreat feeling so indescribably happy. In a weekend, they went from tears of anxiety to tears of joy and even began to playfully tease and joke with one another, and me, as they grew comfortable. They found their place at the table of life, a sense of belonging or worth, and they expanded their view of themselves as amazing success stories.

Q: What are some of the lingering affects of this type of trauma?

A: Many of the women at the retreat have continued to deal with flashbacks, night terrors and panic attacks for years. Their families don’t always understand why these happen and why their wives take years to heal. And many of the women have felt guilty that it has taken years to recover. I found myself up at nights, sometimes for hours, sitting under stars with women who had awakened with tears or nightmares, just talking.

Q: Can anyone ever completely recover from sexual trauma?

A: I absolutely believe so. But recovery doesn’t come by waiting it out or by avoiding and fleeing the original trauma through alcohol, sex or denial. Recovery does not come by "acting tough” and pretending to be "over it.” Recovery comes from doing what feels terrifying: facing the trauma directly and honestly, speaking about it, absorbing support and insight from as many sources as possible. I have seen women who have struggled with sexual trauma for years, drinking, cutting themselves, battling suicidal impulses, who have transformed to proud and healthy role models.